Homicidal rage sporadically wells within me since quitting cigarettes. I decided to undertake the holistic quest to yogi hood in an attempt to fill the void and quell the restless soul. The spiritual growth through physical awareness has become a part of my daily routine. Unfortunately, yoga sometimes adds to my stress level.
On the way to the studio...
Man I look so badass with this yoga mat strapped to my back. Like a ninja with a sexy ass ninja scroll. Open the scroll and release the awesome power of touching your toes. Damn, it's kind of hard to walk through the bus aisles with this thing strapped to my back. Whoops, just slapped someone in the face with my ninja scroll. Whoops, just scrolled someone again. Sorry... sorry... namaste... namaste... namaste motherfucker... sorry. I SAID SORRY ASSHOLE!
At the studio…
Sit cross legged. Close your eyes. Breathe in through the nose. Breathe out through the nose. Straighten back. Pull in navel. Do not pay attention to air pockets ricocheting in your small intestine as they encircle your colon and bide their time to unleash their thunderous evil.
Be a tree. Be the tree. Hug the tree. I have a wedgy. Don’t pick the wedgy. Don’t be a tree that picks its wedgy. Is anyone watching? Okay, be the tree that picks its wedgy.
Look, the girl in front of you has a wedgy too. Don't stare at her wedgy. Don't stare at her wedgy... wedgy...wedgy...wedgy...
Child's pose. Sit up and bring your palms together in front of chest. Child's pose. Raise yourself to plank position. Transition to downward facing dog. Feel...so....vulnerable...
Prayer twist. Prayer twist. Prayer... Dear God....please help me discreetly untwist my nuts.
Breathe in slowly, focusing your breath from the bottom of your spine, up your spine to your third eye. Hold the energy in your third eye. Don’t release the energy. Someone will hear you. Someone will definitely hear you release the energy.
Low cobra, upward facing dog. Now wag your tail. Wagging your tail doesn’t make you gay. I wonder if the people in class think I’m gay… not that there’s anything wrong with being gay. Don’t be racist. Don't be phobic. Wag your fucking tail.
Flex your glutueus supranusa hotsauce #$&*(#$... I don’t know what I'm doing. Look at the person next to you. Okay, I get it. Wait no, the teacher just told me I'm doing it wrong. Damn you, look what you made me do. You stupid IDIOT. You made me look like an IDIOT.
Peace and Namaste Sauce,
Chogi Guevara
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