The Third World Should Be Banned From Facebook

The more I use Facebook, the more I notice certain trends between different groups of people. I have come to the following conclusions.

1. The third world should be banned from the use of Facebook until they learn how to properly use it.

I do not want to look at a meme every other day of Jesus bleeding under a crown of thorns, hammered onto a crucifix… looking at me… judging me.

I don’t need to see memes that say, “If you wish cancer did not exist, like this picture” [of a child in chemotherapy].

This meme pretends to raise cancer awareness. In truth, this is some sick third world Latin American fuck that wants to get hits on his meme at the expense of little children with cancer. Fuck that guy. Fuck him in the ass.

2. Anyone under the age 18 should not use Facebook. It’s creepy and it feels illegal.

3. Old people are allowed, as long as they uphold the minimum requirement of posting one drunk photo a week.

Paz y Mucho Amor,

CG

A Guide to Texting Under the Influence (TUI)

1. Don’t do it.

2. Don’t do it.

3. Forget why you’re not supposed to do it and do it.

4. Text everyone in your immediate history they are a bitch face.

5. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOOOOOOVE YOU.

6. Apologize and explain to everyone in your immediate text history you’re under the influence.

7. Take subway because the poor reception prevents further texting.

8. Get off subway and notify everyone in immediate history you got lost in the subway.

9. Contact your ex.

10. Text random Spanish phrases.

11. Get home.

12. Go to bed ho. Just close your eyes and go to sleep ho.

13. Wake up next morning and encounter an intuitive fear of your smart phone.

14. Experience inner struggle on whether or not you should read what you wrote.

15. Read what you wrote.

16. Recoil in terror.

17. Take a hot shower and cry.

18. Delete messages and pretend it never happened.

19. Remember why you're not supposed to TUI.

20. Don’t do it.

21. For the love of God, don’t do it.

Yoga: The Art of Don't...

Homicidal rage sporadically wells within me since quitting cigarettes. I decided to undertake the holistic quest to yogi hood in an attempt to fill the void and quell the restless soul. The spiritual growth through physical awareness has become a part of my daily routine. Unfortunately, yoga sometimes adds to my stress level.

On the way to the studio...

 

Man I look so badass with this yoga mat strapped to my back. Like a ninja with a sexy ass ninja scroll. Open the scroll and release the awesome power of touching your toes. Damn, it's kind of hard to walk through the bus aisles with this thing strapped to my back. Whoops, just slapped someone in the face with my ninja scroll. Whoops, just scrolled someone again. Sorry... sorry... namaste... namaste... namaste motherfucker... sorry. I SAID SORRY ASSHOLE!

At the studio…

Sit cross legged. Close your eyes. Breathe in through the nose. Breathe out through the nose. Straighten back. Pull in navel. Do not pay attention to air pockets ricocheting in your small intestine as they encircle your colon and bide their time to unleash their thunderous evil.

Be a tree. Be the tree. Hug the tree. I have a wedgy. Don’t pick the wedgy. Don’t be a tree that picks its wedgy. Is anyone watching? Okay, be the tree that picks its wedgy.

Look, the girl in front of you has a wedgy too. Don't stare at her wedgy. Don't stare at her wedgy... wedgy...wedgy...wedgy...

 

 

Child's pose. Sit up and bring your palms together in front of chest. Child's pose. Raise yourself to plank position. Transition to downward facing dog. Feel...so....vulnerable...

 

Prayer twist. Prayer twist. Prayer... Dear God....please help me discreetly untwist my nuts.

Breathe in slowly, focusing your breath from the bottom of your spine, up your spine to your third eye. Hold the energy in your third eye. Don’t release the energy. Someone will hear you. Someone will definitely hear you release the energy.

 

Low cobra, upward facing dog. Now wag your tail. Wagging your tail doesn’t make you gay. I wonder if the people in class think I’m gay… not that there’s anything wrong with being gay. Don’t be racist. Don't be phobic. Wag your fucking tail.

Flex your glutueus supranusa hotsauce #$&*(#$... I don’t know what I'm doing. Look at the person next to you. Okay, I get it. Wait no, the teacher just told me I'm doing it wrong. Damn you, look what you made me do. You stupid IDIOT. You made me look like an IDIOT.

Peace and Namaste Sauce,

Chogi Guevara